The First Visit Home Can Be Complicated
In just a few months at college, your student has:
- Made hundreds of independent decisions daily
- Created entirely new routines and habits
- Managed their own schedule without oversight
- Developed new perspectives and opinions
- Built a separate life you've only glimpsed through calls or texts
- Begun establishing their adult identity
Meanwhile, you've:
- Adjusted to their absence and created new routines
- Perhaps repurposed parts of your home or schedule
- Grown accustomed to different household patterns
- Missed them while simultaneously appreciating certain aspects of their independence
When these two evolved realities collide during the first visit home, it's natural for some friction to occur.
What Parents Often Don't Expect
1. The Sleep Phenomenon
College students are chronically sleep-deprived. Don't be surprised if your student sleeps until noon (or later). This isn't laziness or depression—it's their body catching up on a significant sleep deficit.
2. The Friend Priority
Your student has likely been looking forward to reconnecting with high school friends just as eagerly as seeing family. This doesn't diminish their love for you, but represents their attempt to maintain important relationships across both worlds.
3. The Independence Assertion
After months of complete autonomy, reverting to house rules or parental oversight can feel demeaning to students. Resistance to expectations they once accepted isn't rebellion—it's a natural response to their evolving identity.
4. The Information Filter
You may expect a comprehensive download of their college experience, but many students share selectively. This boundary-setting is developmentally appropriate, not a sign of secretiveness.
5. The Divided Attention
Your student may be physically present but mentally elsewhere—texting college friends, worrying about upcoming finals, or processing their new experiences. This split attention can feel hurtful if you're unprepared for it.
Setting Realistic Expectations
Before your student arrives, adjust your expectations to align with their new reality:
Expect a visitor, not just your child
Your student now straddles two worlds—they are simultaneously your child and an independent adult with a life separate from your family. Recognizing this dual identity helps frame their behavior in a more understanding light.
Anticipate changed perspectives
College rapidly expands intellectual and social horizons. Your student may express opinions or ideas that surprise you. View these changes as positive signs of growth rather than concerning departures.
Recognize their need for space
After months of managing their own schedule and space, constant family togetherness may feel overwhelming. Their need for alone time isn't rejection—it's self-regulation.
Understand their genuine excitement and ambivalence
Most students feel genuinely torn—they're excited to see family and enjoy home comforts while simultaneously feeling pulled back to their college world and friendships.
Creating a Positive Homecoming Experience
Before They Arrive
Have a brief, direct conversation about expectations
- "We're looking forward to seeing you! We understand you'll want to see friends too. Let's talk about how to balance everything during your visit."
- “Your brother has moved into your room. We wanted to let you know so you aren’t surprised. We understand that you may be disappointed, so let’s talk about it.”
- "Are there specific things you're hoping to do while you're home?"
- "We'd really love to have dinner together on Thursday for Grandma's birthday. How does that work with your plans?"
Discuss household expectations thoughtfully (rather than assuming previous rules remain, consider which expectations still make sense)
- Safety-related expectations (letting you know where they are, not driving under the influence) remain reasonable
- Courtesy-based expectations (texting if they'll be out late) show mutual respect
- Control-based expectations (curfews, detailed itineraries) may need reconsideration
Prepare yourself emotionally
- Remember that your student's push for independence is developmentally appropriate
- Recognize that some awkwardness in redefining your relationship is normal
- Consider which aspects of your student's independence are worth celebrating rather than challenging
During Their Visit
Prioritize quality over quantity
- Plan a few special family activities rather than expecting constant togetherness
- Be fully present during the time you do have together
- Create space for them to decompress and reconnect with friends
Listen more than you advise
- Ask open-ended questions about their experiences
- Resist the urge to solve problems unless they specifically ask for help
- Show interest in their new perspectives even if you don't share them
Notice and acknowledge positive changes
- "I'm impressed by how you've managed your schedule this semester"
- "It's wonderful to see how you've embraced these new opportunities"
- "I appreciate how you've handled these new challenges"
Be selective about battles Ask yourself:
- Is this about safety or just preference?
- Will this matter in a month?
- Is this essential to family harmony or just my desire for control?
- Can I accept their different approach even if I would choose differently?
Navigating Common Challenges
Challenge: They want to stay out late with friends
Instead of: "You need to be home by midnight because that's always been our rule." Try: "When you're out late, I worry. Would you text me when you're headed home so I can sleep better? I trust you to be responsible."
Challenge: They're not participating in family activities
Instead of: "You never want to spend time with us anymore." Try: "I'd really love for us to have dinner together tomorrow night. Does that work with your plans? I've missed our conversations."
Challenge: Their habits have changed dramatically
Instead of: "Since when do you stay up until 3 AM? That's not healthy." Try: "I notice your schedule is really different now. How is that working for you at school?"
Challenge: They're defensive about academic questions
Instead of: "What were your final grades? We're paying for this education." Try: "What classes did you find most interesting this semester? I'd love to hear about what you're learning."
The Parent's Role in This Transition
This homecoming represents an important step in your evolving relationship. Your role is shifting from manager to consultant in your child's life—still deeply important but differently engaged.
The most successful approach embraces these changes rather than resists them. By treating your student with the respect you'd give an adult while still providing the love and support of a parent, you create space for your relationship to mature beautifully.
Remember that each visit home will become easier as everyone adjusts to new patterns and expectations. Many parents find that the adult relationship that eventually emerges with their college student becomes one of the most rewarding connections of their lives.
A Final Thought
The push-pull you may experience during your student's visit home is not only normal—it's necessary. This tension is how both you and your student figure out the new contours of your relationship. With patience, communication, and flexibility, this evolution can strengthen your bond rather than strain it.
Your willingness to adapt may be the greatest gift you give your college student during this transition—and yourself as well. By focusing on building an adult relationship with your student, you're investing in a connection that will sustain you both for decades to come.
More Articles








